Today's Joke:

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

Today's Joke:

This guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story.

"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here, shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

Today's Joke:

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience Seeing God, she asked,"Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While Crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?"

God replied, "Giiirrrlllllllll, I didn't even recognize you."